My heartbeat was quick and forceful as the doppler searched. We all held our breath.
Poom. Poom. Poom. Poom.
I tried not to focus on anything. Owen had decided to put my shoes on and walk around the birthing room. He was actually doing a very good job and keeping balanced. I couldn't help but laugh, even though we were only hearing my heartbeat after a couple minutes of searching. Then...
There it was! The heartbeat!!
This morning was my first appointment with Puget Sound Birth Center. I am now ten weeks pregnant and there is a healthy, growing baby inside of me! This morning was a defining moment for us... neither of our past two pregnancies made it this far. We are pretty sure this baby is sticking around, thanks be to God!
My midwife explained something to me today that I hope will be encouraging to any other young moms who may have struggled through a similar situation. For those of us who are young and very fertile, it's common for our bodies to latch on to any fertilized egg that comes our way. Our bodies are so eager to be pregnant that no matter if there is something genetically wrong with the embryo, our bodies will still try as hard as possible to make a safe home for it. This is most likely why multiple miscarriages happen at our age. At least, this is my midwife's hypothesis (after 13+ years of catching babies).
If you don't know our history, I'll give a little recap. After Owen's first birthday I stopped nursing and we decided to try for a second baby. I got pregnant immediately (which didn't surprise us, given how quickly we got pregnant with Owen) and we got very excited. At seven weeks or so my symptoms waned dramatically but I figured it was just a different pregnancy than Owen's and I didn't worry. I began spotting at ten weeks and after a few days of mild bleeding, we went to the ER and discovered the miscarriage. A month after the miscarriage bleeding stopped, I got pregnant again. We were a little wary of this pregnancy because of how close to the previous one it was, but I felt symptoms for longer. I think I carried to ten weeks again before the spotting started for the second time. I was pretty certain from the start that this was a second miscarriage because my body was processing everything the same way as the first time. So in January, we mourned the loss of another child.
After two miscarriages so close together, we wanted to wait several months before trying again. Nevertheless, God had other plans and we got pregnant in March - only two months after my second miscarriage. Again, we were wary, but the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned gave me the sense that this one was going to "stick", so to speak. We have been waiting in anticipation over the last several weeks as my symptoms have continued and after today's appointment, we are almost completely certain that we are going to meet this baby in December!!
I cannot even begin to express my gratitude toward the Lord for this. It's been such an interesting journey in these last nine months... pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant... It's just been hard to know what to say to people, what not to say and discerning if I just care too much what people think. I also have had trouble discerning my own feelings throughout all this. I am very good at detaching myself from being "emotional" and looking at the logic behind every situation. But is that skirting around my grief that is real and without sin? It's all so confusing. And I know God is not done with me yet. I'm just not quite sure where He is leading me in it.
For now, I'm just thankful. Thankful for a new life, thankful for God-given patience, endurance and perseverance and thankful for a wonderful community of friends and family who have been walking faithfully with us through this process. God is so good, even in our pain and suffering. He is always with us and always there to comfort us. And He is always there to rejoice with us. I'm so thankful that I get to rejoice with my God today!
Oh, and here's a recent picture of our first baby. He is growing up SO fast!! I am definitely ready for another small little containable thing :).