These three short sentences are written on a pink sticky note that is fastened to my computer screen which forces me to stare at them every single day. They are a small excerpt from Paul Tripp's book "Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands". They are three of God's greatest truths that we often skew and twist in our sinful hearts. I think I am beginning to understand how to live out these three things more and more every time I read them. Yesterday was one of those days where those three truths were put to the test.
Nick and I were given the news yesterday that I miscarried our baby.
There are many emotions I am feeling right now, but the one I keep coming back to is peace. True, my heart is full of sorrow that our baby will never see this earth and snuggle in my arms. True, I am angry that the existence of sin results in unborn children being taken from the womb. But more so, I am full of peace that our good, glorious Savior is holding our baby in heaven right now. I am actually more jealous of my child than I am upset! Our beautiful baby will never experience the sin of the world. He or she will never watch their loved ones die or be in physical pain. They will never be rebellious toward God or go through a season of doubt. Our child is in PARADISE. He or she is just waiting to meet us.
And that actually brings me JOY.
Knowing that this is all part of God's glorious plan allows me to rest in His sovereignty.
Knowing that God will comfort me perfectly allows me to rely on His grace.
Knowing Jesus is loving on our child right now allows me to submit to His glory.
A good friend of ours shared with me that through her miscarriages she relied on Jeremiah 29:11-13 as a reminder of God's truth. This made me smile because not only is it a fabulous verse, but I am so fond of it that we read that verse when we dedicated Owen to Jesus little over a year ago. Here it is:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."Additionally, my best friend reminded me that the middle name we picked out for a boy was Elijah. In the Bible, Elijah never died - he was taken straight up into heaven on a fiery chariot. It brings me hope and joy to think that our baby was able to pass from this world to the next in a similar way. Maybe in a bit less flashy of a manner, but still - without pain and straight to Jesus.
All in all, I am immensely thankful. I am thankful for our community that is walking with us and being available in this time. I am thankful for caring doctors and midwives who have been alongside me every step of the way. I am thankful for our healthy son who gives me great joy. I am thankful for my supportive, loving, caring husband who is being sensitive to my needs and is constantly checking up on me. But mostly, I am thankful for our sovereign, gracious and glorious God who knows exactly why this is happening, how it will contribute to His plan and how it will bring Him glory.
Thanks for reading, friends. And thank you for your prayers. We are truly blessed.